Spiders crawl in Perfect Circles and plans for Mental Health Days

I’m nearing the end of high school. Same old, same old.

My ‘Senioritis’ should be setting in. For those who don’t know what Senioritis is, it, in my school, is seen as the ‘not wanting to be in school since I’m a senior’. We don’t want to do homework, we don’t feel like changing out of our pajamas, and we don’t feel like attempting high school anymore. It’s been compared to that feeling students have before they drop out. But instead of dropping out of school, we graduate. Either way, we don’t come back (save for parties and sport functions).

Instead of senioritis setting in, I’m just overwhelmed. I’m now viewing Senioritis -not- as just laziness, but giving up because they can’t take this insanity anymore! I don’t blame them! But…I will not give in. But I am, still, overwhelmed.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to do what I need to. School, homework, Drama practice, studying, shower and hair, and if I can, writing. I love writing. Except…I don’t remember the last time I wrote something. Summer time? I feel like a failure, somewhat, for stop doing what I love.

Writing used to be an escape, a vacation, a reprieve. That, paired with my undying love for music, is how I got through some of the more difficult times of my middle school and high school years.

But 24 hours is no longer enough time in the day. I allot myself 6 hours of sleep, 7 if I’m in a bad mood. I could stop sleeping like I did last year.

I didn’t fully stop sleeping, but I was getting in around 3 hours a night. It was okay at first. My grades were the same, I was getting in old homework, I was writing. But after a few weeks, I wasn’t eating well. Then I couldn’t comprehend homework assignments. I couldn’t remember things. My temper was getting shorter. Then about the second month, my goals were out the window. I wasn’t replacing sleep with writing and studying time, I was replacing it with nothing. Then I started seeing things. I would see spiders out of the corner of my eye and then when I looked, they’d be gone. Same with people I didn’t know, blobs of color even. It was weird. And slightly creepy to be honest. So after I started falling asleep during important moments to be awake in (i.e. difficult classes, discussions, moments where a plate of food was in front of me that I could drop my head in..) I decided…I needed to sleep. At first it was difficult, which surprised me. I thought I was going to pull a Jenny and just sleep for days and days. But I was so used to being against sleeping, I had to remind myself it was a good thing.

So I’m not willing to compromise sleep again. It made sense at the time, really, but it was somewhat dangerous.  My friend even wrote a paper about my trials of sleeping and it was awesome! My favorite line went something like “the spider crawled in a perfect circle” love it!! EVEN though I don’t like spiders, I just love crazy things like that 🙂

 But it’s just frustrating to think that I’m so ‘out of time’ to fit in everything that I even consider skipping sleep to get enough time.

I am easily reminded why this time last year I felt like I had no time left. I feel the same now. I’m cramming and compromising, skipping, giving up even. I can’t understand -and therefor correctly complete- my homework. I am too tired after Drama practice to even want to eat at night. I need to get in my studying. I need sleep. Eating and writing aren’t as important anymore.

So tomorrow…I’m taking a mental health day.

My mom’s against it. She sees it as me being lazy but she never listens to my reasons. With her working in the evenings (as is my brother) and me having play practice, I’m unable to get a prom dress. I need to fill out FAFSA (college financial aid). I need to apply for college still! I’m ready to scream. So I came up with the idea to skip school Wednesday and get my prom shopping done, fill out college stuff, and maybe be able to sit and talk with my mom a little. Or else I’ll have to wait two weeks to do it. Which, by the way, is a little late.

But now my mother is telling me I need to go to school and that staying home will be worthless because “I work at 3”. For some reason in takes her 3 hours to get ready for work…and I don’t know what she’ll be doing the 7 hours she’ll be awake before then. Probably watching Dr. Oz and Judge Judy.

 She’ll ask me again what am I doing Thursday before tomorrow. “I don’t work Thursday” she’ll say, as if i can MAGICALLY clear my schedule and I’ll, through gritted teeth, exlain for the hundredth time that I willl be staying after school until 5 to do homework. From 5-7 I have an OI dinner. From 7-9, I’ll have Drama Practice. Then home. Shower, finish any homework I haven’t yet, do my chores, and sleep. Safe to say I’m a *little* busy that day.

Regardless, I’m taking a Mental Health day on Wednesday and will sleep! Write! Eat a full meal that isn’t made in the microwave in 90 seconds! I might even watch a stinkin movie!
 I’ll try my homework a little and write a paper or two but I am REALLY excited to be taking the day off.

I’ll post on how my Mental Health Day goes. Hope everyone has a good Wednesday!

~ by sider13 on March 8, 2011.