Woes of the sleepess

•July 27, 2011 • Leave a Comment

For some reason, I just can’t sleep.

 I know it’s not the first time I’ve expressed my sleeping issues.

 But I’ve encountered a new problem that I’ve had before but never fully-faced until now.

Boredom.

Not JUST boredom. But boredom from 2-5 in the morning.

There’s nothing good on tv. Can’t watch movies. Picture websites slow down because people aren’t on, adding pictures, because they’re asleep. Not many people blog. Youtube only has so many videos!!

I mean what am I supposed to do!?!? 

I’ve compiled a ridiculous list of things I could do to occupy my time:

  1. Take up knitting
  2. Read the dictionary (tried once in 7th grade, couldn’t get past c’s)
  3. Drop a box of toothpicks and guess how many will be left in the box
  4. Count the specks of glitter on my ceiling
  5. Learn how to yodel (without waking everyone)
  6. Create a conspiracy, spread the rumor online, then disagree with it in person.
  7. Make an origami Nazgul
  8. Read the Printer Manual
  9. Carve ivory soap
  10. Google myself
  11. Make a time capsule to open tomorrow
  12.  Pretend to understand Fengshway and rearrange all of the furniture in my house
  13. Pretend to sleep walk, cook, and see if my family wakes up
  14. Smear peanut butter on the wall, toss marshmallows at it, call it Modern art
  15. Turn the televisions upside down
  16. Have a staring contest with my cat
  17. Play with matches
  18. Make a watch/clock stop with my mind
  19. Read tea leaves
  20. Narrate Spanish soap operas

Just some things to pass the time with!

Mom and dad are People too

•July 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’ve recently entered ‘the real world’. I still feel like I’m only in the doorway, though. I’m discovering more and more, each discovery coming in the form of an odd-timed epiphany.

The reason I say that involves: me. I’m a rebellious-like teenager who is still bent on tap-dancing on ‘the line’ of my parents’ nerves. It’s not uncommon for me to blurt out:

“We’re nothing alike.” especially when I’m discussing my mom. Every time I say that, I quickly think of a few points of comparison between her and I.

I like black, she likes…oh, well black too, but I think she prefers brown.

I’m eclectic in music preferences and she likes…country. Old or modern, though?

I’m the sit-inside-and-watch-the-rain person, she’s the…addicted-to-mowing-type-person?

I’m more introverted, she’s…a mom? Who is she?

I was having a great discussion with my father (rare moment) about my mom when it hit me:

I don’t really know who she is.

Well first, I know her as my mom. She’ll always be a mom. Even to people she’s not related to. She’s just got that maternal-vibe.

But beyond that…I only know bits and pieces.

She likes cows. She loves steak. Loves thick socks. Dislikes Gardner snakes. Watches the races and folds laundry on Sundays. Owned horses as a child. Was accident-prone. First to fire in an argument.

So, bits and pieces.

But I don’t know who she is as a person.

I’ve been so focused on trying to learn who I am the past few years of my life, I’ve just become more distant from the person I’m 50% of.

The other 50%: I only met my father 5 years ago (parents divorced when I was an infant). We began talking on the phone, I asking him questions I’d ask anyone when trying to learn who they were.  You know, the “What’s your favorite…” and the “What do you think of…” questions. When I got to see him, I’d see what kind of person he was as a person, and a father. We get along well! I know him as an easy-going guy who is protective of his family and loves a good prank. Loves cooking, the Sci-fi channel, and can do a great Arnold Shwarzenegger impression.

I admit, he and I don’t know much about each other still. But we’re trying.

However, I still don’t know who my parents are as people.

All of our parents were people before we and our siblings were born. But eventually, Barb, Jim, Diane, Robert, Susan, Kyle, whatever your parents’ names are, become

Mom and Dad.

Sometimes they even start out as Mommy and Daddy.

But piece by piece they put away the explorers, rockers, mountain climbers, painters, etc, and become the soccer moms, the parents helping host the 3-rd grade Halloween party, the science-fair project ‘helpers’. They become the providers. They care for us, plan for us, think for us, even. They protect us and love us, even when we yell that we hate them. They’re always the one we call from the police station, the ones we mouth ‘hi’ to when we get on television, they’re the ones we glance back for when we board the school bus, jump into the car heading to college for, and the first we call when the baby won’t stop crying and the car isn’t working but the engine light isn’t on.

They’re always mom and dad.

But when do we look to know them as people? Real people?!

I hope it’s not like in the movies: when we’re cleaning out their storage unit, going through piles of pictures and discovering the amazing people our parents were before we came along….after their funeral.

I’ve filed it down to the reason of why my mom and I can’t get along much these days. I’m sure if I knew her, as a person, we’d get along better. I’m sure it’d make shopping for her easier, too.

But it sincerely bothers me that I don’t know her as a person. I know when I return home (I’m on vacation  at my father’s place) I’ll present my discovery to her. Now, I’m not hoping for a tear-filled reunion fit for Lifetime Network, but I hope we have what all those TV programs have dubbed “a break through”.

(Sappy ‘wrap up at the end’ with a warm-fuzzy feeling time)

I’ll still call her Mom and him Dad. I always will. But I really hope I can learn who they really are beyond that, as Mel and Steven

On the road again

•June 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Well I am sorry I have not posted in…a long time. I have been busy 🙂

I just returned a few days ago from a little vacation in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I was visiting my godson who turned 3 weeks old yesterday. He’s so tiny J I love him ^-^ Funny, he’s the only guy (I’m not related to) I’ll say that about and mean it 😛

I must say the bus ride there was fun. Really! The guy who sat next to me has the same sort of humor as I do and was interested in the same movies as I was so we got along really well! Talked the whole way! The bus ride back though…horrible. Had barely slept for 4 days and hadn’t slept –at all- the night before because we had to be up at 3 to get ready, leave at 4, get to bus station at 6:30. Sit for 5 hours next to a fidgety old woman (holy paranoia) who gets worse by the hour because she can’t smoke on the bus. Then when she moved to a new seat after a couple got off, an old guy in front of me pointed towards me when 3 new people got on. They all reeked of smoke.

If you smoke, fine. I don’t care. But when you sit next to me and it’s all I smell for an hour and a half in a cramped bus row and I’m already paranoid, do not expect me to share the armrest with you! Phew! I digress!

Then, in the hills, I realized you can’t run from your problems, but you can let them go. Does that make sense? Let me explain a bit more: For two weeks, I was able to forget abut the people who ruined my days and focus on a baby who expected nothing of me, yet I had an amazing fear of letting him down. I met some incredible people, found some old friends, wasn’t bothered by my family, girl-talked for hours over various cups of coffee, and found a part of myself in a place where I can’t find anything. It was great. Plus, it’s beautiful there. In one of the towns, the hills stack up the sides and trees fill the cracks so it seems like there’s no roads at all! The houses are all crooked and oddly shaped and nothing seems balanced! You lose and gain your balance out there, as if you were out at sea. My favorite part: the town I stayed in is nestled between two mountains (hills?) and the rest of the world is just on the other side of the mountains, but I had little desire to see the other side. The weather was an average of 68 degrees and it seemed like time had froze and there was no season, no time, no problems, no ‘rest of the world’. Exactly what I needed.

Rant much? 😛

It’s my favorite place in the world ^-^ However, I’m worried that if I moved there, I’d never leave, and everything I loved there would eventually lose it’s beauty.

Plus, a bit more about the people I met who I have declared ‘incredible’: None of them were famous, contributors to technology, life-savers, or even donators to charities. None of them had done something that made them incredible. It’s what they survived that I find so admirable. One woman had a daughter two years ago that was still-born. She now has a new son and smiles everyday. One woman suffered through 3 miscarriages until she was blessed with a son. One man had been to jail for 6 months on false charges. Now he works 2 jobs and comes home to a wife and son. Another man was homeless for almost 3 months and now has a good house, wife, and 2 kids. One woman had been in an abusive relationship for 2 years, now re-married with a daughter and another on the way. One man I met had survived having Polio! Plus, most of the people I found incredible (there’s many more) had piercings or tattoos, and were now successful enough in life to be happy (my mom believes people with tattoos or piercings can’t get a job and will end up hobos). The best part: none of them had regrets. Sure, their predicaments were horrible. However, they had all survived, and were happy today.

Which, I believe, should remind us all, that we can survive anything. We just have to be willing to fight because of course, it won’t be easy.

Makes me smile knowing I’ll find happiness one day, as will everyone else. Life is unfair, but sooner or later, we all find the happiness we deserve.

Update on my parent problems…thing’s aren’t better. I leave for Texas in less than a week (I’m not even unpacking while I’m home) and I’ll have to face what I’ve been dreading for weeks:

1. Lying to the smiling faces of my loving step mom and stepsiblings knowing sooner or later, they’re going to be hurt and I’ll feel guilty no matter what.

2. Listening to my father’s family coach me on how I should be living my life, starting with what college to go to and how I need to get rid of my labret and industrial piercings.

3. Looking at my grandmother’s fresh grave wondering what her fiery spirit would say if she knew what was going on.

And I’ve decided…I’m just going to have to tell my parents I’m staying out of their relationship. I’m not for it, not (completely) against it. I want them both to be happy. So whatever happens, happens. And I don’t want their decision to be made because of me. They have to be the adults and make this decision themselves. Then, I’ll adjust to whatever changes are made. One day, this will all be a memory and  a few blog entries.

I can survive this 🙂

 I’ll post more tomorrow. I’ve got 2 other blogs to post on and 13 other blogs to read. A lot happens when I run away for 2 weeks!

 

Hope all is well for everyone 🙂

Divorce Exceptions

•May 27, 2011 • 5 Comments

It’s unfortunate that today, more and more parents  are getting divorces. Honestly, more of my friends have divorced parents than those whohave parents who are still together.

 I guess in one way, I was fortunate: my parents divorced when I was only a year old. For years I went from hating my father, to missing him, to thinking he was dead. I watched my mom date other men, break up with them, and I began thinking that relationships were stupid, because most adults I knew were alone, most of them hurt from a broken heart. Probably why I can’t hold onto a relationship. Probably doesn’t help that I have gotten so used to being alone in life I believe I like it.

 Anyways, I re-met my father when I was 14 and since things have been ok. I visit him and his family over Christmas and for a few weeks every summer. My dad even came up for my graduation. Now I’ve come to love his family, including his girlfriend of nearly 15 years, and her 3 kids (all older than me).

 But since my mom and dad were together for my graduation…they’ve been talking about getting back together.

 Suddenly after 1 weekend, he’s willing to leave his girlfriend and her kids and come up here to live with my mom (I’m moving out soon anyways). I’m just…I don’t know how to respond to this in any way.

 I was hoping, that for a graduation moment, my mom, dad, and I could just hang out for a bit, and I’d get a sense of what being with both parents felt like. I wanted taste of what an average family was supposed to feel like. And I got it. Hell, my parents even fought! I even got to see what that was like.

 But now I’m faced with the opportunity to have that feeling, 24/7. I’m not sure I want that. Now don’t get me wrong, I want my parents happy. But things like this don’t happen normally. And I don’t think he’s ready to leave his girlfriend and her kids. He watched them grow up, witnessed their moments (first bike, first boy/girlfriend, coach soccer team, Parent/teacher conferences, proms, graduations, etc.) and now, all of his kids are basically adults. His girlfriends’ youngest is the same age as me, so we’re hitting the same stones. I’m a tiny –tiny- bit jealous of them. But I’m over it. It’s just…they’re losing the father figure in their life. I’m gaining one…back? I’m confused. I just don’t want to be seen as the girl who screwed up everything.

 I guess I’m ok with my mom and dad getting together again. If they don’t, ok! Fine with that, too! But I don’t want to be in the middle of them. I don’t want to hear how long they talked on the phone or what he said that made her smile. I’m still the kid here, and stuff between them is just like o.e to me.

 I just can’t get past how weirded out I am by this. I never thought this would happen…and it might.

 What do I do? I don’t even know what I’m asking for. Somebody just tell me….something.

Wish I had a waffle house

•May 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

If you read my last post, you’ll know that I recently graduated from high school. Like I mentioned there, everyone says it’s just a wonderful time and blah blah blah. I mentioned a lot of things that I wasn’t prepared for. I have encountered a new one:

Friends becoming douche bags.

I’ve had a lot of friends. Many guy friends. Most of them ended up liking me at some point. Which I’ve dealt with and gotten over. Many friends that were girls. Few of them I thought would be there forever. But girls and guys alike have just turned into people I don’t recognize and don’t want to be associated with. I used to be able to walk the halls of my school and smile at those I considered friends. I used to be able to text like 20 friends at a time, all outside of school. Suddenly…I count my friends on one hand. My father, who graduated from a class of 800, says

“You’ll count your best friends on one hand.”

He also said that at the five-year reunion, 13 were dead, 7 in prison. My class is…well, since I’m horrible at fractions and not even going to try to figure out what it would be (once again, I’m amazed I graduated), was 40 people (would that be like 1/18th?) I’ve come away with…*maybe* one life-long friend, and 20 acquaintances. I’ll miss a few members of the staff more than my classmates, even. I just find that bad. I wonder how many of my classmates will be dead…I can imagine at least 3 in prison. Also bad.

But I’m just wondering…what happened? Where did things go just terribly wrong and I lost a bunch of people I once considered friends? Is it just part of the process “everyone grows up, moves off to college, and drifts apart” but that ‘drift apart’ part sometimes comes first? I’m a little lost. It’s even happened with the underclassmen I planned on visiting for homecoming. Now…I wouldn’t be heartbroken if I missed it. Some of them aren’t worth talking to.

Did I change? Did they? Did I suddenly become older and cynical? (more than usual 😛 )

Really. What happened?

Ugh the frustration of losing friends…makes today unpleasant. Makes me wish I could just go sit in a 24-hour waffle house to sit and mull things over in with a cup of black coffee.

If anyone could shed a little light on this situation, it’d be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance 🙂

Hallelujah

•May 20, 2011 • 2 Comments

I really hope that’s how you spell that. I’ve never been good at spelling that word.

Speaking of which, I just graduated high school. WHOOO…..hooo…..yeah.

I was always told it’d be such n exciting moment in my life. But I was never told it’d be super boring. Plus, I feel extremely stupid. I question if I even spell Hallelujah correctly or not.

Reaching into a sector of ‘Too much information’, I had to go to the bathroom. Okay, know what? Screw it, I had to fricken pee like Seabiscuit, right before the ceremony, but I didn’t have time because I was too busy setting up my reception, then hurriedly getting ready, and literally running out the door to get to my gradation on the time. Then when I and my classmates re up on that stage, listening to speeches and watching the smart kids get awards and scholarships, my stomach was growling. So I had to pee. And I was hungry. And a lot of people I wanted to be there…weren’t. Don’t get me wrong– I was ecstatic my best friend came and my relatives were there, but for some reason on a day like that, we notice who’s not there more than anything.

The reception wasn’t that much better. It was cold and some guys who I thought were my friends were douche bags instead and I didn’t really enjoy the reception.

Sooo…. graduation. Not what I was expecting.

It also wasn’t this amazing “holy crap, I’m gonna miss everyone so much, this is really gradation!!” feeling. It was just… “Oh. Ok. This is…it.” I realized, I’m not really going to miss everyone.

One week later.

No one prepped me for what life is like after that moment I thought would never come. No one warned me I’d feel worthless and a failure at life. I’ve lied on the floor crying, lied on a futon, sat in a chair for days, moved back to the floor, slept on a couch, sat in the chair…you get the point. I’ve been worthless and felt worthless. Not the best thing to feel when I expected I’d be feeling ready to conquer the world.

I definitely hit a low point. Especially when I was on the floor crying. I suppose seclusion t this point isn’t the best thing but I did it anyways. I felt like I lost myself and I didn’t want distractions, I just wanted to find me again. In a way, I felt like I lost my inner child. Who I named Sophie. And I understood that if I had lost that little fire in me that kept me young and apparently adorable, believing there is good in the world and kept me from being cynical. And without it, I’ve become this antisocial mass that watches House and Scrubs. I’ve fortunately begun watching Project Runway reruns and have felt inspired to be Me again. I’m happy to report that after a few days of almost completely ignoring the world and accepting some bitter truths about people.

So little by little, I’m coming back to me.

I think I’ll re-do my inspiration board…I don’t even look t it anymore so I think that’s a given that it’s kind stopped inspiring me.

I’ve also decided to make a list of what I want to be and what I don’t want to be. Maybe will keep me in track.

Well that’s everything I’ve stored up for a while…. and what’s sad is that it is just 1 week I’ve been out in the real world. I haven’t even mentioned the hectic craze that was my last two weeks of school. Here’s those two weeks in a fist:

Went crazy with the Musical ending. Got my life back for a few minutes and then I needed get my grades back up. I nearly failed high school. I job shadowed at a college and realized I wanted to go there, and that I love theater so much I don’t want to give it up. I can follow it in college! Met a guy (now you know this is trouble) who is kind of a jerk…I just hate it that I’m in love with his personality. Ugh woes of a teenage girl.  I pulled an all-nighter to finish my Senior Project Portfolio. Presented, then slept. It was unbelievable. Then a day later,  I pulled another  all-nighter to study for exams. Then finished  movie project, ended up failing that class anyways, and then went into the ‘gradation’ preparations.  I’m still in love with that one guy’s personality even if a part of me just hates him. I need to find someone worth keeping around.

So that’s my life. The end.

Let’s slow down. At least a little.

•April 20, 2011 • 2 Comments

For the record, I am NOT talking about relationships. I am merely talking about….life.

Seems dumb to have the words ‘merely’ and ‘life’ together in the same sentence. It’s like putting ‘pudd’e and 30 billion gallons of water together. You just can’t use a little adjective and a big noun together. It’s just not right!

Dang I don’t even know if that would make sense, I haven’t studied grammar in years. I just learned about Spoonerisms (sp?) from a friend’s mom asking us random questions. At first I thought they involved the act of spooning. Which made me think of the time I spent with friends in hills. Two blow up mattresses, 5 people. 3 boys to one, 2 girls to the other. After yelling at them to stop snoring, my friend noticed one of the boys had, what she thought was, fallen off the bed. Turns out he just rolled over to get away from the other 2 boys…who were practically spooning. They weren’t gay but boy A “has body pillows” (his excuse) and the other probably tought it was a girl and forgot he was between 2 guys when he went to sleep.

Turns out a spoonerism is “an error in speech or deliberate play on words”.

Far from what I thought it was! 😀

And…mentioning relationships…I have a crush on a guy ^-^ As usual, I don’t think anything will happen…but I like this guy. A lot. Ha. Example: I’m even debating going to a track meet just to see him! The track meet is at my school so it’s not a stretch out of my way but still…I never go to sport things at my school 😛

BUT the important thing about this article…is that I catch myself wishing life would slow down a little. Everything’s moving so fast that I feel like I barely have time to breathe. 

My mom’s currently believing that I wont graduate but is planning a party. Doing what she wants, inviting who she wants…yeah. And I’m trying to plan stuff for college but my mom think’s I’m not ready. AND I’m just trying to get my grades up and complete my Senior Project and trying to lose what little of a social life I have scraped together. And, I’d like to TRY to get some writing in.

I guess I’m not afraid of graduating. But it’s more of what comes after: the whole “holy crap” feeling. I’m not terrified of being on my own, I’m actually looking forward to being pushed into the ‘pool of adulthood’ and having the ultimatum of ‘sink or swim’.  But the basis of what I’ve known for the past 13 years is changing. Change isn’t bad…but the days that I never thought would arrive are right around the corner.

Easy to say really, is that this time in my life is nothing like I thought it’d be.

Actually, comparing the idea of what the 5-year-old version of me thought this time in my life would be is laughable compared to what it really is. 

I thought I’d have a high-school-sweetheart boyfriend, be a cheerleader, a popular girl with long blonde hair, tan, hot car, cool job, savings account, and ready for life. 

(Que laughing sequence)

Yeah. I’m kinda glad to be single, NEVER will be or want to be a cheerleader, glad to not really be popular (I’m not a super outcast but I’m not at least true of who I am and a good portion of people have accepted it). My hair is long and dyed black, I’m trying to be pale, gotta piece of crap car that doesn’t even run (I love crappy cars :)) no job, no savings, and…somewhat ready for life.

I guess we could spend all our lives planning and planning. Planning what we want to be, what we want to do, hows it going to be executed…but we rarely plan for the unexpected, the bad things, the sad moments, loss and/or heartbreak, and we never really plan…on the plans changing. And you can’t stop the plans from changing.

My goal right now…is to stop planning, working with what I’ve got, making the best of whatever is thrown at me, and  to stop apologizing so much.

I’ll let you guys know how that goes 🙂

Feels like I’m on the edge of a life-changing time. Feels like I’m waiting at the gate of an airport terminal, waiting for a flight to come in.