Apologies

•April 13, 2011 • 1 Comment

Well to anyone who evvvver reads my blog…or, lack of one, really, I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while, I have been ridiculously busy and besides, my interent wasn’t working.

But little updates:

One of my brothers got a tatoo (he’s the same age as me, 2 months older, but I beat him to the punch of getting something crazy (my piercing))

Another brother of mine proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years. Congratulations to them, I just hope I can meet my to-be-sister-in-law before the wedding :S doesn’t help my sister hates her….

I’m getting a hoop for my lip piercing soon. Yay!!

And I’m so busy, I’ve become that ‘I don’t know how she does it’ person. Not sure how to feel about that.

Hope all is well for everyone 🙂

New Tides

•March 22, 2011 • 1 Comment

Well over the weekend I went to Boy Basketball at State in Rapid City, SD and ended up not caring much about the games but for the record, I did watch them. To be honest though, I didn’t really cheer much or go with the requested dress themes 😛

BUT I was there with friends, visiting old friends as well, and my friends’ younger brother was getting a tatoo for his almost 16th birthday. Friday night, we drove over to Spearfish but the tattoo parlor we were hoping to get the tattoo done at was full for the next few days. Bummed, we began driving back to our temporary home and we found a tatoo parlor! woot! However, from the outside, it didn’t look all that professional or legit so I was a little apprehensive.

Inside, they were a little pusy but we made an appointment and came back later, with a larger crowd and 2 missing. My friend and her dad were at a sweat lodge, our other traveling companion was off driving around, and getting lost. I, my friends’ mom, my friends’ brother, and his 5 friends, took over the waiting room for 4 hours. The owners were a little behind but they had a television and a Wii to keep us entertained. After a while, I began talking to the piercer there, and he revealed they had a sale on piercings.

I was hooked (piercing joke, get it? anyone?). We came back at noon the next day and BAM I got my bottom lip pierced (my right, your left). As assured by a few friends and the piercer, it didn’t hurt. And it’s so cool! 😀

My mom and dad aren’t exactly thrilled about my new accessory, but they’re dealing with it. They’re glad  I asked first (however I would have gotten it even if they said no) but my mom says

If you get a hoop or any other piercings, you’ll look….trashy

And my older brother refuses to look at me. It’s great to be home.

I kinda just wanna go back to hanging out at the tattoo parlor…my piercer was probably one of the most laid back dudes I’ve ever met…and he was cool!

BUT despite my mother’s ‘trashy’ predicitons, I’m getting more piercings. I know I will.

Anyways, I’ve been following my piercer’s instructions for keeping it clean. I’m terribly afraid it’s going to get infected, but I’ve heard so many things about them…

“Only 5% of mouth piercings get infected” “The infections aren’t THAT bad to get over” “They’re SUPPOSED to look like they’re getting infected” “Use Listerine” “DON’T use Listerine” >.< can I get just one straight answer?

“Looks good!” “Looks great!” “Looks hot!” “Looks sexy” “Looks….yeah.” “Scary.”

Mixed reviews, needless to say.

And for the (gross) record, I recieved 2 (yes, 2) “looks sexy” and they BOTH came from ex-boyfriends. Lovely.

But having this piercing is kinda scary. I mean, yes, it’s AWESOME, and I’m the only person in my school with one (score!) but it’s a little nerve racking.

I’ll end up wearing my new piercing to prom (I only have a studd in it for now, a silver barbell) which I’m happy with, but I’ll end up switching over to a hoop (much to my mom’s displeasure) and when it comes to graduation, I’ll just pop it out for a few moments for pictures.

I’ll try to get a picture up of it on here soon…but I’m just glad because the piercing has given me some sort of new-found confidance and freedom I didn’t even really knew I wanted. It’s a nice change ^-^

Spring break is coming up! Well, for my school anyways. Anyone excited?

Mine starts tomorrow…yay. I have play practice, though. Tonight, tomorrow morning, thursday around noon for crew, friday at noon for crew (which I get to miss because of a 4-day retreat) and sunday night at 7 which I’ll either be late or I’ll miss. Mwahaa. Then next week…play practice Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night. Then prom on Saturday. Busy busy busy.

I hope everyone has a good spring break!!

Monochromatic Me

•March 16, 2011 • 2 Comments

I have gladly realized that I am somewhat Monochromatic in my wardrobe. I have often joked around saying that since I wear so much black, white, or gray, my converse are the most colorful part of my wardrobe. They are bright blue high-tops with bunnies and rainbows on them 🙂

Sometimes I’ll wear feathers in my hair and birght colorful pigments of eyeshadow on my face. Or bows in my hair. Otherwise, I stick to simple colors. Once a person told me:

“You look like one of those New York writer girls who wears black, is quiet, and hangs out in coffee shops all day.”

I’m not sure if that is a compliment or insult…to me or New Yorkers.

But I’m satisfied being Monochromatic, I spose. However, I’ve come across a fashion trend that I would really like to start over here in the middle of nowhere:

Feather extensions.

I’d like to get them in after prom, and just have fun, you know? But I’m not sure if I can get them anywhere, I might have to order them online and I really don’t like doing that. I once ordered two books online…everyday for two weeks I was paranoid about the books geting lost, being mailed to the wrong address, or somehow the site lost  my order form!

So I’d like to avoid it. But I really want these extensions. My friend got some black extensions to make her hair look longer and they look great! But I want feathers.

I’m not sure if I want teal, or orange…hmm. Maybe dark blue?

Ideas? Suggestions?

Spiders crawl in Perfect Circles and plans for Mental Health Days

•March 8, 2011 • 1 Comment

I’m nearing the end of high school. Same old, same old.

My ‘Senioritis’ should be setting in. For those who don’t know what Senioritis is, it, in my school, is seen as the ‘not wanting to be in school since I’m a senior’. We don’t want to do homework, we don’t feel like changing out of our pajamas, and we don’t feel like attempting high school anymore. It’s been compared to that feeling students have before they drop out. But instead of dropping out of school, we graduate. Either way, we don’t come back (save for parties and sport functions).

Instead of senioritis setting in, I’m just overwhelmed. I’m now viewing Senioritis -not- as just laziness, but giving up because they can’t take this insanity anymore! I don’t blame them! But…I will not give in. But I am, still, overwhelmed.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to do what I need to. School, homework, Drama practice, studying, shower and hair, and if I can, writing. I love writing. Except…I don’t remember the last time I wrote something. Summer time? I feel like a failure, somewhat, for stop doing what I love.

Writing used to be an escape, a vacation, a reprieve. That, paired with my undying love for music, is how I got through some of the more difficult times of my middle school and high school years.

But 24 hours is no longer enough time in the day. I allot myself 6 hours of sleep, 7 if I’m in a bad mood. I could stop sleeping like I did last year.

I didn’t fully stop sleeping, but I was getting in around 3 hours a night. It was okay at first. My grades were the same, I was getting in old homework, I was writing. But after a few weeks, I wasn’t eating well. Then I couldn’t comprehend homework assignments. I couldn’t remember things. My temper was getting shorter. Then about the second month, my goals were out the window. I wasn’t replacing sleep with writing and studying time, I was replacing it with nothing. Then I started seeing things. I would see spiders out of the corner of my eye and then when I looked, they’d be gone. Same with people I didn’t know, blobs of color even. It was weird. And slightly creepy to be honest. So after I started falling asleep during important moments to be awake in (i.e. difficult classes, discussions, moments where a plate of food was in front of me that I could drop my head in..) I decided…I needed to sleep. At first it was difficult, which surprised me. I thought I was going to pull a Jenny and just sleep for days and days. But I was so used to being against sleeping, I had to remind myself it was a good thing.

So I’m not willing to compromise sleep again. It made sense at the time, really, but it was somewhat dangerous.  My friend even wrote a paper about my trials of sleeping and it was awesome! My favorite line went something like “the spider crawled in a perfect circle” love it!! EVEN though I don’t like spiders, I just love crazy things like that 🙂

 But it’s just frustrating to think that I’m so ‘out of time’ to fit in everything that I even consider skipping sleep to get enough time.

I am easily reminded why this time last year I felt like I had no time left. I feel the same now. I’m cramming and compromising, skipping, giving up even. I can’t understand -and therefor correctly complete- my homework. I am too tired after Drama practice to even want to eat at night. I need to get in my studying. I need sleep. Eating and writing aren’t as important anymore.

So tomorrow…I’m taking a mental health day.

My mom’s against it. She sees it as me being lazy but she never listens to my reasons. With her working in the evenings (as is my brother) and me having play practice, I’m unable to get a prom dress. I need to fill out FAFSA (college financial aid). I need to apply for college still! I’m ready to scream. So I came up with the idea to skip school Wednesday and get my prom shopping done, fill out college stuff, and maybe be able to sit and talk with my mom a little. Or else I’ll have to wait two weeks to do it. Which, by the way, is a little late.

But now my mother is telling me I need to go to school and that staying home will be worthless because “I work at 3”. For some reason in takes her 3 hours to get ready for work…and I don’t know what she’ll be doing the 7 hours she’ll be awake before then. Probably watching Dr. Oz and Judge Judy.

 She’ll ask me again what am I doing Thursday before tomorrow. “I don’t work Thursday” she’ll say, as if i can MAGICALLY clear my schedule and I’ll, through gritted teeth, exlain for the hundredth time that I willl be staying after school until 5 to do homework. From 5-7 I have an OI dinner. From 7-9, I’ll have Drama Practice. Then home. Shower, finish any homework I haven’t yet, do my chores, and sleep. Safe to say I’m a *little* busy that day.

Regardless, I’m taking a Mental Health day on Wednesday and will sleep! Write! Eat a full meal that isn’t made in the microwave in 90 seconds! I might even watch a stinkin movie!
 I’ll try my homework a little and write a paper or two but I am REALLY excited to be taking the day off.

I’ll post on how my Mental Health Day goes. Hope everyone has a good Wednesday!

High School: Miss or Not Miss?

•March 4, 2011 • 3 Comments

My high school days are ticking down to where my class, a big 43 students (the LARGEST class) is preparing for our countdown.

I’m so scared.

So in my random moments of free time, I reflect and reminisce about things I’ll miss….and not miss.

The list of things I’ll miss grows everyday. Some of the things: My friends of course. The stupid inside jokes. The comfortability of my school. Being able to say weird stuff. Laying down in just random classrooms for a nap. Knowing everyone. Everyone knowing that the weird things I do are ‘just her’ and just part of what I do. For example: Anywhere else I wear weird eyeshadow, zippers or foil on my eyelids, and huge obnoxious headbands…I just get weird looks. Here, people know that’s just part of who I am. I guess some of the blessing of a small community.

Sure, living out ‘in the middle of nowhere’ and knowing where the boondocks are sucks some days, and living in a community that I often feel like the Black sheep in because I’m so different compared to all of them…but I know I’m going to miss this place. I wont have four acres to roam around barefoot on, my trees with pets buried beneath them, I wont see my favorite tree blossom and bloom; I wont have dead silence at night or be able to see the stars sometimes. But maybe all that is just stuff I’ll miss about home.

So what will I miss about school?

Not the homework. Not being cold ALL THE TIME (though I’m usually cold anywhere). Not the petty drama. Not the snide remarks. Not the immaturity (Well some of it). And a new one: not the idea that this’ll be forever. I’ve been in this part of my school for 4 years. My schedule might change but the days aren’t very different yet different enough to provide entertainment (i.e. last week my classmate Dylan found a cowboy hat and decided to be Sheriff Woody for the day). So…remembering that I should get comfortable places, i should also remember that I’ll leave that place eventually.

So I’m a little curious: does ANYONE miss high school?

I remember that I DONT miss middle school. At all. When my younger siblings were starting their first day of middle school, they asked me for advice. What did I tell them?

I cut the crap and said “this will probably be the worst years in your life.”

A little harsh? maybe. But I also added “But enjoy it while you’re there.”

I hated middle school mainly because I was a new student in this school and was joining a class of students, most whom had been together since kindergarten, all in one class, during the most akward years of our lives. So I was antisocial and akward. And a Harry Potter fan.

And not just any fan.

A HUGE fan.

Of course, everyone made fun of me for it. They were relentless. My worst memory, probably. I still recall “Harry POT-head” being a common name.

Most days I would go home and cry and wonder if leaving my old school (which was drastically increasing in size and student count made me think of rabbits–more everyday) where  no one talked to me, was worth it or not.

But I think I will miss high school. I spose if I wasn’t thinking about it, I wouldn’t miss it.

Anyone out there have some fun high school stories to tell?

Personality: Beautiful

•March 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

My posts from the past (few days? week? month?) have been…sad. Slightly depressing, even, if you tilt your head sideways. SOO I’m going to -try- to type some about more…uplifting topics.

I decided to start with Personalities. Yesterday someone told me some things they like about my personality. At first, one of the things was “I like that you’re brave. You’ve got that…’no one can stop me’ vibe..but you’re not a jerk about it.” which I liked to hear. Then came “You also seem like you don’t care about anything.” which I’ve been told…numerous times. However, coming from a friend, I wasn’t sure how to take it. After a bit of contemplating, I decided I liked the comment. She said ‘seem’ because she knows I DO care about a lot…I’m just glad that I’m not super-dramatic about it. Cause people find that annoying. And I like to think that SOME people find the people who can hide things, and have deep levels, rather interesting or mysterious or, my personal favorite, a different sort of person who handles their emotions differently than others (like a sub-human! XD)…which is somewhat crap cause no two people are alike. But it makes me feel special. So I roll with it. Makes my boat float 🙂

But the point of that rant was that my friend reminded me that she likes my personality, all twists and turns and odds and ends about it. Even the stuff we disagree on like religion, morals, the unwritten rules of our generation. But we don’t fight about that stuff, we talk about it like adults. Then most likely go do some childish thing to laugh about.

Plus in my Literature class the other day, we were introduced to the Courtly Love topic. And to start discussion (I LOVE discussion), my teacher asked us what was more important: looks or personality? which matters more?

After my classmates all spurtted out their barely-thought-out ideas (boys–looks (all-about looks), girls–personality..”well they have to be DECENTLY good-looking”) I provided my answer: Personality.

I remember in presonal circumstances, I have thought certain people are…not EXACTLY attractive. Which, I know, is kind of mean. I’m human, aren’t I? But, after an akward encounter, a friendship often is created, and after a while, after I love their personality (some have become great friends of mine, some are even a few of the nicest people I’ve ever met), I don’t even think about their appearance, because to me, they are beautiful; because their personality is beautiful.

 Is this a mean thing to do? I’m not sure but it’s just how I’ve operated for years.

Doesn’t it make sense though? I hear girls all the time–“Oh, don’t worry, you’re beautiful!” is it a lie if they originally thought their friend wasn’t even pretty? Is it a lie if they mean their personality? Is it the truth because in their heart, their friend IS beautiful because they love their personality?

I guess in  case like this, “to each his own”.

That saying seems to work with everything that involves personal opinion. Which is a lot of things.

So I think personality is more important.

PLUS…if we were all blind, we wouldn’t be able to see who we were talking to…and we could fall in love with each other simply because  we love their personality!!

PLUS…I know a lot of good (and great) looking people …with no personality or are just horrible people. Recently, even, there is this guy in my class who I’ve thought was good-looking for a few years now. But after people-watching for a few days, and serious thinking, I’ve concluded I’m not even going to persue him…because his personality is a buzzkill. My conlcusion? Get some pictures of him (like a creeper!), create a character in a story that looks like him, create an amazing personality for him, and write some story with a cliche happy ending.

I also remember some quote that went like something like “Only when you love someone are they perfect in your eyes” or something like that. I love it though.

So I think, from now on, if i think about if I or another person is beautiful…It will only be about their personality. In the end, all you’ll want is to be loved for who you are.

Wow. Sappy ending, right?

Emotionally Constipated

•March 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

If you read my last post, and if you havent, I’ll just say this now:

My grandma had died 12 hours before I had posted the blog…and I didn’t find out until the next morning, thanks to my parents’ excellent communication skills. Yes, they’re divorced, and that’s the only way I’ve known them as. The funny part–they have NO problem telling each other things. It’s me they have a problem with. It wouldn’t surprise me if they draw straws on who has to tell me bad news. Didn’t help that they lied and avoided telling me as much as possible.

Surprise! I found out anyways.

Learning the news later didn’t mean it hurt any less. I remember a quote from a movie that was something like “It will only hurt more the longer you wait”. And it did. It also hurt that my parents lied to me.

I even asked my mom (the morning I learned the news which was 2 hours later) if my dad had called me after she asked once again asked “Are you okay?” She told me he hadn’t called her…”Oh…well I meant…today.” was her excuse. She told me not to lie like that when I was 8. Doesn’t mean she can do it now.

So, since my grandmother died, I should ‘technically’ be in the ‘grieving’ or ‘mourning’ mood. But I’m not. I’m carrying on as if nothing happened. Is that wrong of me? Is it such a bad thing that I’m not sobbing uncontrollably and seemingly beyond consoling? 

I’ve been dubbed by my mother “Emotionally Constipated”.

At first, I laughed at her. I’m still immature enough to find constipation funny.

But it makes sense. On the outside (and I have had people tell me this–MANY times) I am just emotionless, calm, passive, and sometimes apathetic. Emtionally constipated.

What’s REALLY funny: I’m usually quite paranoid on the inside.