Hallelujah

I really hope that’s how you spell that. I’ve never been good at spelling that word.

Speaking of which, I just graduated high school. WHOOO…..hooo…..yeah.

I was always told it’d be such n exciting moment in my life. But I was never told it’d be super boring. Plus, I feel extremely stupid. I question if I even spell Hallelujah correctly or not.

Reaching into a sector of ‘Too much information’, I had to go to the bathroom. Okay, know what? Screw it, I had to fricken pee like Seabiscuit, right before the ceremony, but I didn’t have time because I was too busy setting up my reception, then hurriedly getting ready, and literally running out the door to get to my gradation on the time. Then when I and my classmates re up on that stage, listening to speeches and watching the smart kids get awards and scholarships, my stomach was growling. So I had to pee. And I was hungry. And a lot of people I wanted to be there…weren’t. Don’t get me wrong– I was ecstatic my best friend came and my relatives were there, but for some reason on a day like that, we notice who’s not there more than anything.

The reception wasn’t that much better. It was cold and some guys who I thought were my friends were douche bags instead and I didn’t really enjoy the reception.

Sooo…. graduation. Not what I was expecting.

It also wasn’t this amazing “holy crap, I’m gonna miss everyone so much, this is really gradation!!” feeling. It was just… “Oh. Ok. This is…it.” I realized, I’m not really going to miss everyone.

One week later.

No one prepped me for what life is like after that moment I thought would never come. No one warned me I’d feel worthless and a failure at life. I’ve lied on the floor crying, lied on a futon, sat in a chair for days, moved back to the floor, slept on a couch, sat in the chair…you get the point. I’ve been worthless and felt worthless. Not the best thing to feel when I expected I’d be feeling ready to conquer the world.

I definitely hit a low point. Especially when I was on the floor crying. I suppose seclusion t this point isn’t the best thing but I did it anyways. I felt like I lost myself and I didn’t want distractions, I just wanted to find me again. In a way, I felt like I lost my inner child. Who I named Sophie. And I understood that if I had lost that little fire in me that kept me young and apparently adorable, believing there is good in the world and kept me from being cynical. And without it, I’ve become this antisocial mass that watches House and Scrubs. I’ve fortunately begun watching Project Runway reruns and have felt inspired to be Me again. I’m happy to report that after a few days of almost completely ignoring the world and accepting some bitter truths about people.

So little by little, I’m coming back to me.

I think I’ll re-do my inspiration board…I don’t even look t it anymore so I think that’s a given that it’s kind stopped inspiring me.

I’ve also decided to make a list of what I want to be and what I don’t want to be. Maybe will keep me in track.

Well that’s everything I’ve stored up for a while…. and what’s sad is that it is just 1 week I’ve been out in the real world. I haven’t even mentioned the hectic craze that was my last two weeks of school. Here’s those two weeks in a fist:

Went crazy with the Musical ending. Got my life back for a few minutes and then I needed get my grades back up. I nearly failed high school. I job shadowed at a college and realized I wanted to go there, and that I love theater so much I don’t want to give it up. I can follow it in college! Met a guy (now you know this is trouble) who is kind of a jerk…I just hate it that I’m in love with his personality. Ugh woes of a teenage girl.  I pulled an all-nighter to finish my Senior Project Portfolio. Presented, then slept. It was unbelievable. Then a day later,  I pulled another  all-nighter to study for exams. Then finished  movie project, ended up failing that class anyways, and then went into the ‘gradation’ preparations.  I’m still in love with that one guy’s personality even if a part of me just hates him. I need to find someone worth keeping around.

So that’s my life. The end.

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~ by sider13 on May 20, 2011.

2 Responses to “Hallelujah”

  1. Congrats on graduating. No really. I failed my senior English class because my teacher was an old hag (and I skipped a lot of class…. and didn’t like to read literature) so I didn’t get my diploma until well, 2 years later, and it was a real pain in the ass. I took those 2 years off of school and now I’m finally in junior college, working my way up and more motivated than ever. What I’m finding is that I’m so glad I became motivated 2 years ago rather than, well, now or a few years down the road. I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s a relief.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is, school isn’t always a highlight, nor fun, nor exciting all the time, especially when your not particularly motivated or inspired. Sometimes taking a year or 2 off to gain that motivation can be more beneficial that losing motivation after a year and failing classes.

    Have fun on your journey, whichever path(s) you take! I enjoy following you on your blog!

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