Emotionally Constipated

If you read my last post, and if you havent, I’ll just say this now:

My grandma had died 12 hours before I had posted the blog…and I didn’t find out until the next morning, thanks to my parents’ excellent communication skills. Yes, they’re divorced, and that’s the only way I’ve known them as. The funny part–they have NO problem telling each other things. It’s me they have a problem with. It wouldn’t surprise me if they draw straws on who has to tell me bad news. Didn’t help that they lied and avoided telling me as much as possible.

Surprise! I found out anyways.

Learning the news later didn’t mean it hurt any less. I remember a quote from a movie that was something like “It will only hurt more the longer you wait”. And it did. It also hurt that my parents lied to me.

I even asked my mom (the morning I learned the news which was 2 hours later) if my dad had called me after she asked once again asked “Are you okay?” She told me he hadn’t called her…”Oh…well I meant…today.” was her excuse. She told me not to lie like that when I was 8. Doesn’t mean she can do it now.

So, since my grandmother died, I should ‘technically’ be in the ‘grieving’ or ‘mourning’ mood. But I’m not. I’m carrying on as if nothing happened. Is that wrong of me? Is it such a bad thing that I’m not sobbing uncontrollably and seemingly beyond consoling? 

I’ve been dubbed by my mother “Emotionally Constipated”.

At first, I laughed at her. I’m still immature enough to find constipation funny.

But it makes sense. On the outside (and I have had people tell me this–MANY times) I am just emotionless, calm, passive, and sometimes apathetic. Emtionally constipated.

What’s REALLY funny: I’m usually quite paranoid on the inside.


~ by sider13 on March 2, 2011.

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