Cowards and Tears
WARNING: sad post today
I remember a few years back (feels so weird to say that…but it was!) I watched that cartoon about the purple dog named Courage (Courage the Cowardly Dog) and I admit, some of the people/creatures scared me…but I now LOVE that: a cartoon that scared me! It was enjoyable yet left an impression! I wish it was on more…
ANYWAYS back to my point about Courage: he always had to overcome fears and battle something like an oversized rat or human-converting frog Kings in order to save Muriel and Eustace (even though that old man is just horrible…reminds me of my brother now that I think about it). In the end, he always got to sit on Muriel’s lap, happy. So lately I’ve been wandering: did he ever cry? Did he ever just wanna give up? I spose his love for Muriel helped him through it…but I’m beggining to think: it’s okay to not want to cry.
Because right now…one of my Muriel’s is…I don’t want to say it, or even think what’s happening to her. She’s elderly, and has been sick for months. But she’s been sick before…and she’s fought like crazy and has made it this far! But my dad says she’s not getting better…But even now as I type this, some echo-like voice tells me this is one of the five stages of Grief.
Denial/Isolation,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression,
and Acceptance.
Of course, I only remember this from a Scrubs episode, but I REALLY don’t want to admit I’m going through the stages…because then it makes the whole realization of what’s happening to my Grandma so much more real…like admitting the stages is admitting I’m accepting what could happen…and I don’t want that!
She’s my grandma! She’s supposed to be there forever! I mean I only met her like 5 years ago when I met my father, but still…I long ago accepted that she wouldn’t be able to come to my graduation and I’d go visit her over the summer, but now…will she make it then? When I think about my grandma, the saying of “Still Kicking and Screaming at 93” comes to mind. She is this fiesty little thing, barely 5 feet tall, skin and bones, and is probably the most stubborn person I know (glad to know where my stubborness comes from). My grandpa is two and a half time sher size and she wears the pants. And even now, after they’ve taken her out of the hospital and taken her home “It’s where she’ll be more comfortable” as my dad puts it, she’s still a fighter. Which makes me think she’ll make it…she WILL make it, right?
I’ve noticed I’m going through the other stages…I’ve isolated myself from my mom because I don’t want her to ask ‘how I’m dealing with this’. She’s strong, too, but fragile at the same time…why is it that everyone in my family thinks I’m some fragile flower that can’t deal with this…I think know I can! I even like going to school right now because then for 8 hours I can pretend that eveyrthing’s fine and can smile and laugh a little. And I HATE it that everyone I know is acting like my grandma doesn’t have a chance…like she’s already gone. I don’t care if the doctor says she doesn’t have a chance, they’ve been wrong before!
And…I’m not going to let myself cry. For any of it. I have to be the purple dog. I have to save my Muriel.
So…I’m not sure if not crying is some defense mechanism for me and/or if this is all one giant sign that means I’m not handling this well…or I am. Thoughts?
Blog of the Sider 
I read your post, and I am so sorry. When these kinds of situations come up, there is never a universal “right” way to feel or go about these things. But the way you cope with it, I believe, is the right way for YOU to feel. You feel, or you scream, or you cry, or you ache… and, whatever you do, that is your experience and that is the gift of life. My grandmother is in a similar position, and it really, REALLY sucks. I wish you and your family the best. Btw, I’m subscribing to your blog if this is okay.
Thank you for the words 🙂 and yes, it’s perfectly fine you subscribe 🙂 and it’s great to know that there isn’t a book that dictates how I respond to situations.